We all love disciplined children. But do we know the actual way to discipline them?
Let’s discover the Japanese style of raising a generation living in 2050 (with a confusing face in 2025)
It’s called Shitsuke, which means discipline (obviously). But this isn’t the same kind of discipline we usually think about.
How is this different??
Most of us wait until our kids do something wrong, then we punish, scold, or bargain with them.
On the other hand, Japanese Shitsuke is different. It’s about teaching and practice, not punishment.
Hold on, Japanese parents don’t just stop bad behavior, they actively teach the behavior they want.
And the good news is, you can use this at home to discipline your children in three simple steps.
Step 1: Model the behavior you want
The first step is about modeling. Children learn by watching us. They copy what we do more than what we say.
If we want calm children, we need to show calmness. If we want respectful children, we must show respect—even when we’re upset.
For example, if my child spills something on the carpet, my natural instinct might be to yell. But instead, I remind myself: “It’s okay, mess can be cleaned. She’s just a baby. Babies make mistakes—it’s part of childhood.” I even pasted this reminder around my house, and it helps me handle things peacefully.
And yes, sometimes I do lose control and yell. But even then, I make it a teaching moment. I’ll say: “I’m sorry I yelled. I was angry, but yelling wasn’t the right way. Next time I’ll try to take deep breaths first.”
That way, my child learns not just calmness, but also how to admit mistakes and repair relationships.
But here’s the thing—just modeling behavior isn’t enough on its own.
Step 2: Set clear and consistent rules
This is where the second step comes in. Modeling gives kids an example, but without rules, they don’t know where the boundaries are. And when kids don’t know what’s expected, they actually feel stressed.
So, the second step is setting clear and consistent rules.
In our home, we keep a few simple but firm ones:
- No soft drinks or chips.
- No cellphone use for her.
- I don’t use my phone in front of her (though Daddy sometimes does, and I explain that Daddy is working).
Because the rules are consistent, she not only follows them but even reminds her dad: “Don’t use the phone, it will hurt your eyes.”
But rules only work when everyone is on the same page. If one parent says “yes” and the other says “no,” kids get confused and start testing limits. That’s why consistency is key.
Still, even with good modeling and clear rules, something is missing. Children don’t always misbehave out of defiance—often, it’s because they simply don’t know the skill yet.
Step 3: Teach the missing skills
And that’s where the third step comes in: teaching the skills they don’t yet have.
Instead of asking, “Why is my child doing this?” ask: “What skill does my child need to learn here?”
- A tantrum in the store? They don’t know how to handle disappointment.
- Refusing to share? They don’t yet know how to take turns.
- Interrupting your calls? They haven’t learned how to wait patiently.
Our job is to teach those skills.
For example, when my child has a tantrum without reason, I don’t scold. I calmly say: “You can cry if you’re hurt, but if you need something, use your words.” I stay polite but firm. Over time, she learns the right way to ask for what she needs.
Sometimes the meltdown is too big. In that case, I just keep calm, keep her safe, and try again later. The key is to return when she’s ready and teach again.
The bigger picture
So here’s how Shitsuke really works:
- First, you model the behavior you want.
- Second, you back it up with clear and consistent rules.
- Third, you fill in the gaps by teaching the missing skills.
Each step builds on the other. Modeling alone won’t work without rules. Rules alone won’t work without teaching. And teaching won’t stick unless we model and stay consistent.
And one last tip—when giving instructions, don’t shout from across the room. Stay calm, get down to your child’s level, make eye contact, and ask politely. Kids need to feel secure with us before they listen.
That’s the true spirit of Shitsuke.
Recommendation: Practice all three steps together instead of treating them separately.
Next step: Try combining modeling with one small clear rule today, then build in skill-teaching as situations come up.
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